When you were younger, where did you expect to be today? Did you meet your goals? Did everything turn out how you expected? Or do you have a few regrets? Maybe it is less about regrets, and more about timelines shifting– who you once were is not who you are now. Suddenly, you catch yourself saying, “I’m too old to start doing that.”

You’re not alone in that feeling. In a culture that is youth-centric, where women are notoriously scrubbed from the film industry once they hit 40, we act as if life starts and stops with signs of aging. But what happens when we receive representation of older characters in forms of media? We get The Love Elixir of Augusta Stern by Lynda Cohen Loigman.

In this lighthearted magical-realism story, we follow two timelines: one where Augusta is in her twenties, and one where Augusta is in her late sixties. In both of these timelines, Augusta is navigating love, romantic partnerships, and self discovery. This book also holds split perspectives in each timeline, which adds to a fun, cozy feeling of low-stakes miscommunication and hijinks. 

Augusta Stern frequently mentions in later timelines that Augusta feels that she has lived her life, and it is too late to make changes at such an old age. It leaves me thinking about the youth-centric world we are living in, when we look at our lives as having a threshold before needing to accept that we are obsolete. Unsurprisingly, this leaves many gaps in our means to mental wellbeing.

Not only are we seeing higher levels of loneliness and isolation from older individuals, who are shooed away from the public eye, but we have people who are well within their mental and physical capacities that are unable to be hired in a new career– even when it aligns with their professional skillsets. “What are 5 good years with this grandpa when I could have 25 mediocre years with a younger chap?”

If we use pattern recognition and some critical thinking, we will then notice that once someone is out of their “prime” and turns 30, they experience their own variation of a mid-life crisis. We are pressured to feel established and to accept a direction in life-choices, even when they leave you feeling unfulfilled. “I’m scared I’ve already lived my life and I have nothing to show for it,” say my clients at the ripe age of 29. 

The thing is: the core of humanity does not change depending on how many wrinkles we have, or how immobile we become. Our bodies are finite, yes, but our spirit remains in tact until the very end. Nuland (2007) recognizes three things we desire from the moment we are born, and through the time of our aging bodies. “The three are: a sense of mutual caring and connectedness with others; the maintenance, insofar as we can influence it by our own actions, of the physical capability of our bodies; and creativity. Each of the three requires work; each of the three brings immense rewards.”

Augusta and her gentleman caller have a small sense of both, but Augusta is particularly stubborn when it comes to admitting her need for connectedness with others. She believes she is too old to rediscover love and what it means to have a community within a retirement center. Maybe she doesn’t see herself as better than her community, but she will not allow herself to become part of it, either.

Aging is not a punishment, nor is it a curse. It is not contagious, and we do not lose who we are just because the sight in the mirror is unfamiliar. It is not too late to restart, and we often learn later in life that our priorities shift to what truly matters (creativity, connection, and moving our bodies). 

It is also worth exploring outside of Western culture and reflect on individualism vs. collectivism (Oyserman, Coon, & Kemmelmeier, 2002). Individualism is a mentality that often turns into, “survival of the fittest,” which, for humans, means remaining able-bodied. Collectivism holds a higher standard into navigating the world as a unit, where each person contributes their strengths as a means to keep everyone afloat together.

There are pros and cons to both, such as theorists now exploring generational trauma and codependency. But like many other topics, I find the answer tends to land somewhere in the middle. Self-actualization does not come from isolation or extreme-independence. And survival is not contingent on staying with people who hurt you not quite as much as strangers.

Wrapping up for today, I want to add one final thought: aging is a gift many never receive. I am not all that old, and there are still many trials and tribulations I will face during my time here on earth– and there are many ways in which I could meet my untimely demise. When we see people who have made it past the average lifespan, their spirit is one to recognize. It is nothing to fear when we consider the alternative. What we truly want to consider is whether we want our limited days to be ones of regret, or ones for finding opportunities. 

Perhaps the antidote to fearing age isn’t youthfulness — it’s embracing change. It’s allowing time to soften us rather than sharpen our self-judgment. Like Augusta, we are never too old to love, never too broken to laugh, and always young enough to learn from our mistakes.

References

Nuland, S. B. (2007). The Art of Aging: A Doctor’s Prescription for Well-Being. Random House.

Oyserman, D., Coon, H. M., & Kemmelmeier, M. (2002). Individualism and Collectivism: What Do They Have to Do with Counseling? Journal of Counseling Psychology, 49(1), 44–61. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-0167.49.1.44